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What's Wrong With Polygamy? Let's Count the Problems!

Sleeping in one house with four women, 12 kids, four bathrooms, PMS, PTA, 20 knives and a bad economy is the stuff of nightmares.

I wish society would quit drawing those pesky lines in the sand, because I continue to inadvertently cross them.

Telling it like it is is the quickest way to get divorced, arrested, shot, maimed or doom a presidential campaign. People scream for the truth, demand it, but the truth is:

“You can’t handle the truth.” – Jack Nicholson

There comes a time in every red-blooded American male’s life when he realizes that the little boy next to him in the sand box is, in fact, a girl. At that point toy cars, baseball cards and frogs take a backseat.

He knows little about them and wants to know more. I could talk about how much he wants to love and cherish them, how much he wants to buy them a BMW or a charming little house in the 'burbs, but this is about truth, remember.

He’s thinking, hmmm, "How do I get me one of those?"

He’s heard that girls are different, and he wants to find out how and why, firsthand. The only information he has so far is gathered from boys on the playground who know less than he does, older brothers, cousins and uncles.

More than likely all of it is wrong. He looks at her and dreams of a world without clothing. She looks at him and dreams of a world where boys wash their hands after wiping their noses.

Somewhere along here a boy first hears the word "polygamy."

Once he understands its meaning, well, first his eyebrows raise, he thinks "hmmmm" again. Boys are deep thinkers. He can’t sleep for a week, and he immediately shifts from trying to select one perfect specimen to imagining being allowed to select four.

If the road to truth is too much, turn around now.

He is not thinking about commitment or relationships, but has taken the world without clothing thing to a new level in his imagination. He now hates Eve for the apple and fig leaf.

Most boys grow out of this, some never do.

After all, the Bible says it’s OK, they point out. There are numerous arguments designed to convince women it’s advantageous for them. Some women will believe anything: Hugh Hefner, O.J. Simpson and that book about Mars and Venus prove it.

I’ll say it, if no one else will. Polygamy is a playground in the minds of adolescent males, sheiks and zealots.

Don’t kill the messenger; remember this bubbled up in the dubious mind of a male. Ladies, feel free to comment from the female perspective, as there are likely more reasons to not marry more than one man than they are for men not to marry more than one woman.

I love my wife with all my heart, but can’t imagine having three more of her. When you get over imagining a world without clothing and the possible benefits of such a world, reality sinks in.

There are not houses with enough bathrooms to accommodate four wives. The  are not bathroom counters or cabinets with enough space to allow the hairbrushes.

Your house would need to contain four bedrooms, four bathrooms and at least seven closets, and we must not forget room for a comfortable couch. The reason such situations are generally reserved for sheiks and the like are that the average man could never afford the toilet paper.

There would be so many creams, lotions, paints, pastes and hair products that the house would be classified as a bio-hazard area. Dealing with one woman who has 200 hundred shoes, hairbrushes and personalities is hard enough; now multiply that by four.

Imagine menopause, as all of them reach the age where they alternately burst into flames, their heads spin around backward, and they develop seven new personalities, all of which hate you.

I expect headaches are contagious. If you make one mad, do you think the others will be happy that you stayed out all night playing cards? You, my friend, are sleeping on the couch. You will eat breakfast with four sets of daggers, formally known as eyes, silently burning holes through you. The silent treatment will be deafening.

You might imagine not getting much sleep and all the exciting reasons for it. It might be true in the beginning, but eventually you’ll sleep with one eye open from fear. Sleeping in one house with four women, 12 kids, four bathrooms, PMS, PTA, 20 knives and a bad economy is the stuff of nightmares. But 12-year-old boys don't consider that.

I love my wife, all 12 of her, and I can’t imagine having 36 more of them. That is the single most confusing sentence I’ve ever written and the most mind boggling idea I’ve ever had.    

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Kennesaw Taylor June 19, 2012 at 03:20 PM
Women have better sense. Remember this is a joke about the idea of dealing with more than one spouse.
Raequel Gadsden June 19, 2012 at 04:42 PM
I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for posting. God bless the people who choose this way of life, but it is definitely not for me.
Stephen Warne June 20, 2012 at 09:09 PM
Wow, sexist, racist, ethnocentric, mysoginst, homophobic, and heterocentric. If you don't want multiple partners, don't have them. Don't push your beliefs on the rest of us though. Here's a reality check = the laws aren't for you alone, they are for a social contract between all Americans, that includes those who believe, feel, and have the right to be different - it's a guarantee extended to us as human rights outlined in the constitution as the 'right to pursue happiness'.
Bill H. June 22, 2012 at 08:55 PM
This is a tongue in cheek article, but I have to agree with Mike, consenting adults should be able to marry whoever and however many times as they wish. Live your life and stop worrying about others.
Nettle Greenman July 01, 2012 at 01:34 AM
I am glad that this article is a humor piece, and not something filled with hate. And I'm very happy to see that the responses so far are largely, "Not my cuppa, but adults should live and love as they want." You're right; most women are smarter than to get into groupings with one man and multiple wives. I don't actually know a lot about traditional polygamy, but I do have many friends involved in polyamory, where relationships tend to be more like three partners who are dating the same person but not each other; or two couples in a committed relationship with each other; or a committed couple each dating other people. Whether or not you're sleeping with your housemates, there's a lot to be said for intentional community, when you have multiple adults (and possibly their children, and/or friends, and/or relatives) living in one house or linked community; we're clan animals who don't do so well in isolation. But yes, I also have to acknowledge from the example of friends' experience that adding people to a relationship adds oodles of complications, logistical and emotional, to work out. Even so, I support the right of everyone to live and love as they choose (provided it involves consenting adult humans and not too many visits to ER), regardless of whether or not I choose that particular lifestyle. Humans: a work in progress.

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