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We'll Always Have Paris – Paris, Florida, That Is

South Beach is known as the Paris of America. It’s similar, but the women here wear less clothing and shave their legs and arm pits.

There seems to be some confusion about Miami Beach, and I’m here to clear it up.

Miami Beach is a city and an island off the coast of Florida. South Beach or Sobe is Miami Beach’s beach... Hmmmm.

I’m lost and I’m sitting in Lummus Park with Sobe on one side and Ocean Drive on the other, while writing this.

Ocean Drive is the year-round Mardi Gras that runs for 15 blocks along Sobe. As if this isn’t enough, the area is known as the Paris of America. I understand why, it’s similar, but the women wear less clothing and shave their legs and arm pits.

I have been here a short time, but am constantly asked for directions. I’ve had people ask me directions to South Beach while standing on Ocean Drive.

My sage advice: “Walk a hundred yards and you’ll fall into the Atlantic. When you get out, you’ll have magically arrived on South Beach.”

I’ve had people ask me where Miami Beach is, while standing on South Beach in the city of Miami Beach.

“Sorry, man, you got off the plane at the wrong stop: Miami Beach is in St. Augustine.”

Look it’s easy really. Just fly into Miami, get into a cab, mumble Ocean Drive, the cab driver is going to ask: What’s in your wallet? And he’s gonna expect a large portion of whatever is.

Go into Wet Willie’s and order a drink they call, call a cab and you’ll forget to remember where you are at all. You’ll have a great vacation, but will have a terrible time explaining exactly where you went.

That last thing is going to happen if you drink or not; might as well have fun.

“I woke up with receipts in my wallet from bars on South Beach, Miami Beach and Ocean Drive; I guess I went to all three places. I had a great time, I think.”

If it can been seen, it can be seen on Ocean Drive.

Here you will find some of the most beautiful and not-so-beautiful people in the world. Like Dancing Bikini Guy. Just imagine Newt Gingrich belly dancing on the sidewalk in a bikini, and you pretty much have the sick, twisted picture. He’s a fixture and has been dancing on Ocean Drive for years. Dust puffs from his thong as he undulates, but people throw him money, and he makes more than most of us ever will.

On Ocean Drive you can sit in a five-star restaurant, have steak and lobster, drink a cocktail named Lobotomy and watch the beach and beach volley ball, all at the same time.

Remember those one-piece bathing suits of the 1920w that caused such a scandal? Yeah, then the bikini was invented. Life is good. Then came the thong; bar napkins actually contain more cloth.

They cost so much, that here you must buy a bikini in sections: 50 bucks for each piece.

Back in the day, girls or guys wearing thongs would have been burned as witches. While nude sun bathing is illegal, the cops figuratively not literally look the other way, it’s pretty common.

If you’re lucky, while having a Lobotomy or calling a cab, the stars, moons and planets will align, and you’ll get to see all three, at one time. Don’t try to imagine topless beach volleyball, no good can come from it.

Ocean Drive is much like visiting the zoo. There are amazing, exotic, wild animals of every shape, size, color and gender. You don’t walk along and wonder at the caged animals, but get to become one of them, if you dare.

I imagine that’s what happened to Dancin' Bikini Guy. He probably came here from Minnesota, bought a call-a-cab, a bikini and then forgot to remember to go back to Deer Park, Minnesota.

It’s crazy to see entire families visiting South Beach. I’m sure there are things for the kiddies to do. Not.

The young girls are probably frightened and keep running into poles while holding their hands over their eyes. The young boy’s eyes are as big as saucers, but they too keep running into poles.

Young minds can only take so much sensory input. Both are probably terrified and scared for life, by the experience. However both will probably come back as soon as possible, without their parents for spring break, sometime in the future.

All my life I believed what Buffett said, but have found out he was wrong.

There is plenty to plunder, the cannons still thunder and you can never arrive too late on Ocean Drive. Watch out what the kiddies might see, thar be pirate booty a plenty, by the sea for thee.

My first mate and I love Florida, today’s column brought to you from Miami Beach, Sobe, Ocean drive and Paris, all at the same time.

Life is soooooooooooo good.    

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